The parasha-portion
deals with Abraham's servant Eliezer and his mission to find a suitable wife
for Isaac- Yitzchak. He rests his camels near a well at evening time when women
come out to draw water. And the Medrash gives advice to those who are looking for a
wife – when you hear dogs barking, listen to what they say. A dog is very loyal
to his Master, but drives away visitors and strangers. A wife should be one who
is very loyal to her family and attentive to their needs, but at the same time
welcomes strangers and visitors and ensures that all family members identify
with the family mission of engaging in chesed, loving kindness and hospitality.
So Eliezer comes up with a plan that with God's help will prove that the young
girl is fitting to become part of Abraham's family. Eliezer says that he will
ask for a little water and if the girl responds and goes beyond his request and
also offers also to water his camels, this is the girl chosen by God for Isaac- Yitchak.
According to Rashi,
Eliezer is looking for a girl who displays the midot- traits of chesed and
loving kindness. One of the problems with this test is we should be looking at the
whole person, at all her characteristics rather than just one character trait
like chesed –loving kindness. The Ma'or Va'shemes goes further and says that
sexual immorality starts with acts of chesed and loving kindness. A' working
lady' will try to first establish a connection with a potential client and
endear herself to him by doing some kind act of chesed. So he suggests that
Eliezer is not looking for the trait
chesed but looking for Tzni'ut and
modesty.
Rivkah responds to
Eliezer's request for water by saying in a respectful way – drink my Master.
She did not say help yourself and take
some water from the jug, but she actually served him, by lowering the jug to
his lips. After he has finished drinking she says she will water the camels
until they have finished drinking. She did not want to equate him to the
camels, so she did not say I will give you AND the camels to drink. She did not
throw away the water that Eliezer left in the jug so as not to embarrass him
but used the water for the camels. She did this with great speed and energy
which showed her passion for doing chesed – loving kindness and respect for
Eliezer. Rivkah exposed herself to Eliezer for the exact amount of time needed to
attend to his needs and then quickly moved on to water the camels. This showed
that she was not interested in a personal relationship with Eliezer, but just to be of help in the most modest and
Tzniut way. When Eliezer asked if there is room in her father's house to spend
the night, she went beyond his request by saying there was place to sleep many
nights and also food and straw for the camels.
The act of chesed is
very important, but what is more important is the way it is done, in that it conveys a message and emotion that you care , respect and are sensitive to
the needs of the other person you want to help. The gift wrapping of a present
and the letter attached is more important than the gift itself. The good feeling we give to the other person is more important than the gift.Often chesed is
done in a way which is embarrassing to the receiver, not respectful and
insensitive and even an invasion of their privacy. Giving the gift without the
gift wrap and a letter is an insult. The way we do chesed reflects on our whole personalities , the
Tzniut – modesty , emotional intelligence , thoughtfulness, sensitivity, respect, derech eretz , menschlighkeit , decency and common courtesy
.
There is so much meaning
behind the act of chesed. In order to encourage kids to do acts of kindness we can help them reflect on how
their chesed impacts on the lives of others on both physical and emotional
levels. We can show them the sensitivity and thoughtfulness needed in order to
do a simple act of chesed. We can help them experience in a private and intimate way
their inner pride, satisfaction in being
able to make a contribution to others. But as teachers and parents we are too
concerned with the external acts of chesed and ignore the reasons behind the
action. We offer rewards, points, and have mitzvah or chesed campaigns – which
usually means that chesed stops once the campaign stops- to encourage kids to
do chesed. But we miss the whole point of doing chesed. The important part of
chesed is the spiritual part, the part you can't measure, the part that makes
the action a positive one or a negative one. And we focus on the data , on what
you can measure and so it makes no difference is the kid offers a kid a candy
in order to impress his teacher who is watching them , or because he wants some
chocolate in return or simply because he wants to make his friend who is
feeling a little sad happier.
As Parents and teachers
we have to set a personal example and do acts of chesed and loving kindness.
But more important is helping kids be sensitive to way we do chesed and how
chesed should be done. This means sharing our thoughts and the dilemmas of
helping people in a way that does not embarrass them.
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